I can text with my tongue
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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