youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
