You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
