Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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