Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Randomize
