Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
