Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
