Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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