you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
