so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
