First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
