would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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