I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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