Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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