I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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