if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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