I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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