I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
