He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
