I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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