you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
