i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
