you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Hippo gnu deer
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I will pee on everything he values.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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