You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Michael Bay diarrhea
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
