Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
