Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
