I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
