she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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