I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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