A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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