no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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