My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
