my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
