she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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