Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
