she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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