If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
