no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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