Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
There are leaves in my underwear?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
