Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just found a bag of teeth...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
