I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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