Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
