is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
