If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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