You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
