did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
