Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
