Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
