i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
