I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do vagina's smell?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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