i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
