I have demons in me.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
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They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I pour the whiskey from now on
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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