I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
