I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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