so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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