my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
