Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
