so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
