you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
