When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
