loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
